MALL MADNESS!!

My general aversion to the general populace is no big secret. I am not antisocial ,far from it. I am quite an amiable guy. What I lack seems to be the patience to put up with idiots. Unfortunately most people in the general populace around here have no idea what it means to belong to civilized society.

What brings on this delicious bout of acute irritation? I went grocery shopping in a mall. Pardon the shameless use of the ever so popular OMFG … but

OH MY F*ING GOD.

When Shashi Tharoor speaks of the cattle class … I had no idea he was really taking about people with the social ability of an animal that ruminates for half a day before it can really digest anything. It really has nothing to do with “class“ per say … it has to do with the lack of class.

So in order ease my pain during these visits to grocery hell, I present without further ado.

TOP 5 THINGS PEOPLE CAN DO TO NOT PISS ME OFF AT A GROCER’S.

1. If you haven’t taught them manners, put your children on a leash. Better yet leave them at the bag counter, take a coupon and pick them up on your way out. I am tall and I am more than likely to step on the next gremlin that takes it upon himself or herself to use my legs as an obstacle course. Seriously your next purchase of discount underwear can wait long enough for you to tell your kid.

“ Stop running into people you dolt, its annoying and incase you do … say you’re sorry. Or that tall uncle is going to step on you next time. “

I like kids … really … just not when they’re head butting my shins.

2. Don’t block an entire isle with your shopping cart, your shopping basket and your gi-normous posterior. Seriously, if you’re going to take your time pondering over what your next purchase of table cloth cleaner says about you as a person, make sure you leave enough room in the isle for the OTHER PEOPLE in the mall to walk without having to wait for you to figure out why there is a giant line of people behind you.

3. Got a call on your cell phone ? Girlfriend dumping you ? Wife forgot to ask for toiletries ? Great! A) I don’t wana know B) If you haven’t yet learned to use your brain to handle talking and walking at the same time, get out of my way first then continue with your conversation!. I know its important to communicate in any relationship, just not when you’re standing In front of the last pack of lettuce and Im in the mood for Greek salad. Also if you are texting someone in the middle of the isle while maneuvering your shopping cart … DO IT LATER you numbskull! Either that or grow an extra thumb.

4. If you push down on the handle of your shopping cart, it stops! … Amazing isn’t it ? This little contraption was invented after a lot of effort to save peoples ankles from getting slowly chiseled off by repeated trauma from shopping carts used by a) blind b) retarded c) otherwise mentally disadvantaged people. ( No offense to the mentally handicapped … at least you didn’t have a choice. ) Use brakes please … save the ankle.

5. Don’t make it an outing. Couldn’t find a better place than the grocery store to hang our with friends and family? Really ? … I think its time to contemplate the utter failure of your social life. Why just outside is a café with chairs, a table and some coffee! The perfect setting for some conversation, laughter and social hobnobbing! NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BREAKFAST SECTION!!! I love it that you are so close to your family that you need all of them along to decide which milk is better low fat or skimmed, please realize that while you chose to save your health by consulting your ancestors regarding the best choice of healthy milk, the guy behind you is slowly dying of latent rage issues. Don’t waste my life in a grocery store … please.


Oh yeah … im going to sneak in a 6th point here. ( Sue me you list Nazis ! ).

Don’t cut in line. I don’t care if you bought just 3 items. Not my problem … go buy some more toilet rolls … you’ll never not need them. DON’T CUT IN LINE.

Thanks for making my stay at the grocer’s a more pleasant one. I look forward to buying veggies with you again!.